A Bedtime Story for Trumpists
Recently, I tried to imagine what the perfect world of the MAGidiot would look like
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight (Star Light).
As Marjorie Taylor Greene recently prattled on about “Bidenflation,” it suddenly dawned on me that nothing she was saying resembled reality. She was just tossing out lies, exaggerations, fantasies even, and I asked myself, for what purpose? The only reason I could see why she was doing that was to lull someone to sleep, perhaps even herself. The MAGidiot crowd was undoubtedly eating it all up with the gusto of a hungry bunch of churchgoers at a pot-luck dinner, but I truly got the sense that no one was really paying attention. An assortment of “trigger words” were hit upon, and the crowd oohed and ahhed in accordance with the rhythm of Greene’s fairy tale.
The following is my best attempt to put together a bedtime story for Trumpists, which will help them not just fall asleep more rapidly as scenes of this sweet and comfy-cozy reality whir by in technicolor in their weary heads but also the story will help the non-MAGidiots understand the intellectual context that will define 2024.
Once upon a time
There once was a man named Huck F. Sawyer. The father of 16 robust, white little patriots, Huck took special particular pride in his job. His “office” was a 7-mile strip of the “Southern Wall” that cut through some of the flattest and most unhindered parts of land between the United States and Mexico, making it the most heavily used strip of land for illegally crossing immigrants. In its heyday, before Trump was elected for a second time, 1000 men, women, and children successfully entered the country daily.
Now, three years since the “reckoning” of January 2025, the number had dropped to 17 a month. 17 “criminals” a month made it past Huck’s first line of defense. 17 is not a lot for the army of drones that buzz the skies, picking the random invaders off with a level of accuracy that could not have been imagined just two years prior. The number of immigrants making it through the nation’s Southern Wall, which consisted of a 3000-mile-long 60-foot-high electrified wall, a 10-mile-wide “no man’s land” stalked by armed drones and then a mile-wide minefield, had dropped to 22 per month since Leader Trump came to power in 2024.
Sawyer, regularly honored by the “Border Forces” as the best of the best, was also a Trump House favorite who had dined on cheeseburgers and Cokes with Leader Trump on multiple occasions. In 2027, Patriot Sawyer turned his wife into the “Purification and Traditions Bureau.” After having birthed her 16th child, doctors warned that she needed to slow down birthing for a while. Nonetheless, she became pregnant a mere six months later. Fearing for her health and just physically exhausted, Huck’s wife had an underground abortion.
Upon learning of this, he turned her in to the Bureau. Aborting a white baby was punishable by death. Because she had already given birth to 16, however, the sentence was reduced to life in prison.
Huck F. Sawyer became a national hero. Today, kids all over the country look to Huck as an example of how to make America great again.
Okay, my little MAGidiot, close your eyes now and get some sleep. If you still have trouble sleeping, you can count assault rifles.