A Dinner with an Oligarch: Best GD Ice Cream and Napkins I Ever Saw

The rising influence in our governance of the other-worldly rich should unite Americans across parties.

Courtesy of Chef’s Pencil

The first time I was invited to an oligarch’s home for a weekend meeting, I expected to be more blown away by the surroundings. Sure, the villa overlooking Lake Como in Switzerland was impressive as hell, but I had stayed at such places before through pre-Airbnb sites. A similar residence for the super-rich and former European royalty sits in Roquebruce-Cap-Martin in southern France — that was amazing as well, and thanks to the nearby markets, I was able to make beautiful meals accompanied by even better wines.

I do not need a big house or a lavish dig, but I appreciate the things humans create to exquisite perfection that can then be consumed. Simply put, I prefer it when my five —  six and seven — senses are engaged in the experience: taste, smell, touch, hearing, and sight are the core five. I am fully engaged and appreciative if something can incorporate one or more of those senses into the experience.

This is how I felt when I touched the napkin at dinner on our first night. The threading in the simple white cloth wrapped around my fingers so lovingly, playfully, and even, and I didn’t want to set it down. I wanted to slip off to the balcony, drape it across the nape of my neck, and doze off with the warm breeze wafting across me. Listening to our host ramble on about something, I faded in and out of the conversation, seeking other details by which I could be pleasingly sidetracked: the meat with the light dusting of fresh truffles and ground pepper tantalized me.

The wine was so good I imagined how each grape was probably individually squeezed of its juices. As the evening steamrolled toward the unforgettable, it wasn’t until the vanilla ice cream with a single blackberry placed and a mint leaf were brought out for dessert that I realized what heaven might be like. Seeing the healthy scoop of creamy whiteness made me want to thrust my face into it and giggle. The aroma of the vanilla with the wisps of mint reached my nose long before it was set in front of me. As my spoon nudged deeper into the ice cream, I stared in awe. I wondered if the spoon would magically rise up and feed me, too.

“This ice cream is amazing. Where can I find this back in Russia?”

My naivete left me a bit embarrassed. There was no “finding” that ice cream anywhere. It was made fresh three times a week so that our host could enjoy a hearty bowl each evening as he watched television before bed. This evening, he shared that joy with us. I later learned that he had a full-time kitchen team of 10.

All of his linens (towels, sheets, napkins, curtains, etc.) were designed by a seamstress from Paris, and her team of specialists refreshed everything in his house quarterly. Even the rugs, except for the handmade one of Manet’s flowers sprawled out in the “great room,” which was the size of most McMansions in the U.S., were “refreshed” quarterly. He joked how there are some rugs no one ever steps on, but they get removed nonetheless.

On the last night, when we got a little drunk, I got up the nerve to enquire about the price of the ice cream: around $1000 a pint. One napkin only cost $150 — totally doable, I reasoned.

Why do I tell you about this? This man lives alone. He has no kids, and he changes his girlfriends as frequently as he changes his linens. He was also quite cheap when it came to paying salaries to his employees. He expected all of us present to pay for our airfare to his place and marveled when someone dared to request reimbursement — not to him directly. He couldn’t understand how the $500 airfare could be a problem for a salaried employee. He also expected his team to be on call 24/7. I can tell that for Moscow, his salaries were good but not extravagant.

With another oligarch in London, an acquaintance for whom I built a beer brand that resulted in a $400 million windfall, I ended up with a dinner bill of $1200. “It was great seeing you. I gotta run, but let’s get together the next time you are here.” I tried to figure out if my company could pay that bill at the time, but nothing gained from the meeting could benefit it. I ate that expense. His current net worth is $4 billion. Suffice it to say, I would love to have that $1200 right now.

The super-rich are clueless. They can’t imagine that for 90 percent of the people in the world, figuring out how to survive a day without incurring any expense is almost as joyful as Christmas morning. Elon Musk could soon become the first trillionaire on the planet, and when he so callously — even gleefully — took to his Twitter and began calling for a government shutdown, he demonstrated the heartless danger that an oligarchy presents to the nation. He was even seen “hacking” at the U.S. budget with a Samurai sword. Gee, that’s goofy, Elon. You’re such a rascal.

Elon Musk makes more money per second than most Americans in a year. Even a single day’s paycheck delay could mean lights turned off, no food for the holidays, no gifts for the kids, no heating during a winter storm, etc. It means absolutely nothing to that prankster, Elon Musk, and the other oligarchs now taking over our government thanks to Donald Trump.

A government shutdown kicks in when Congress can’t pass new funding for federal agencies. During a shutdown, the federal government only operates essential services, like the military, public safety and law enforcement, TSA screeners, air traffic controllers, and Social Security and Medicare payments.

Those federal workers still working, including millions of troops, would have to do so without pay, and hundreds of thousands of federal workers would be furloughed. All of those workers would have to manage those financial hardships and uncertainty during what is usually a festive time of year (How a Government Shutdown Affects Americans).

A shutdown will increase airport delays during the biggest travel holiday of the year. Do you really think these delays will affect Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, or Donald Trump?

It seems high time we get over the bullshit the right-wing media peddles to distract us and unite to take back our country from the coup unfolding before our eyes. Let’s really make America great again and really drain the GD swamp.