It was the shotgun pump heard ‘round the world. It was something akin to having Harvey Weinstein oversee the drama department at an all-girls high school. Fossil fuels, it turns out, have almost nothing to do with climate change. Poor little gas and oil, why are we so bullying those wonderful natural resources?
The current president of the United Nations COP28 meeting, Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber — you read that right! — was heard making precisely that statement a few weeks ago. This week, he is overseeing the “most important” assembly of world leaders and scientists, all of whom fly to far-off spots and live in big, air-conditioned hotels, to talk about really important things like how to cut carbon emissions. (Hint: Don’t fly thousands of miles and spend a week in air-conditioned rooms.)
“There is no science out there, or no scenario out there, that says the phaseout of fossil fuel is what’s going to achieve 1.5,” Mr. Al Jaber said during a panel discussion called She Changes Climate that featured Mary Robinson, the former president of Ireland who is now a prominent climate advocate.
Ms. Robinson asked Mr. Al Jaber if he would lead a global effort to taper down and then end the burning of fossil fuels. He chastised her for asking the question, saying he had expected a “sober and mature conversation,” not an “alarmist” one (Leader Tries to Calm Uproar).
In case you don’t know who Sultan Al Jaber is, let me shine my little pocket flashlight on just one minuscule fact about the man who mostly wears white linen dishdasha (this is the traditional garment worn by men in the Gulf states): Al Jabor is the head of the Emirati state-owned oil company, Adnoc. Adnoc had over $20 billion in revenue last year. That’s just a drop in the big, dirty fossil fuel bucket, but it’s more than any of us involved with Medium, including Ev, has many times over.
Adnoc, however, has recognized the importance of looking like you are doing something. The official name for “looking like you give a shit about climate change, oppressed peoples, income inequality, democracy, etc.” is known as “ESG.” ESG stands for “environmental, social, and corporate governance.” You may have heard about ESG. It’s a hot topic among the Davos crowd and gets heads shaking at cocktail parties filled with overpaid, superfluous people.
Words like “Right, right, ESG. Absolutely agree. Got it, uh-huh. Super. Got to get the ESG on” echo through Davos and now COP28 crowds. The side conversations at these fancy-schmancy parties sound like this: “So, we just built a new deck on the house in The Hamptons. We saved a bundle by using those little Mexican fellows who gather every morning outside the Quick-Check. Ed said if we used a normal contractor, it might have cost us $200,000!”
No one at these meetings, where ESG is also a fun drink served with smoked mezcal over crushed ice and drizzled with cumquat juice, has any problem with Sultan Ahmed becoming the climate meeting’s acting president. His work clearly qualifies him to lead such an important meeting.
You seem particularly well suited for that role. Let’s take your recent “listening tour” as the UN’s senior climate negotiator. While you were engaging “with people from every segment of society,” you were also busy approving a flurry of new gas deals. Why just this week, your subsidiary, Adnoc Gas, awarded $1.34 billion in contracts to expand the nation’s natural gas pipeline network (The Double Life of Sultan Ahmed Al Jabor).
COP28, even though it does resemble a standard Comic Con event — Trekkies were seen at the airport — is currently the most important gathering where essential things concerning how to slow the heating of the Earth are discussed. One of the shocking revelations to come out of the meeting this past week, besides the meeting’s president pooh-poohing the science behind climate change, was that in a heating world, people will use air conditioning more often.
Mic drop.
I apologize for not warning you to sit down or flush before I dropped that tidbit out there. You know me — or don’t — ever the jokester.
The delegates have justified their salaries and per diems. Life will change thanks to this meeting and that resolution. I can’t wait to see the published document from COP28. Here is a suggestion for the front cover: A smiling Ahmed pumps gas into a black Escalade, and on the back seat are two air conditioners.
My buddy, and the only politician and public servant who takes any of this seriously, Al Gore, had this to say.
“From the moment this absurd masquerade began, it was only a matter of time before his preposterous disguise no longer concealed the reality of the most brazen conflict of interest in the history of climate negotiations,” Mr. Gore said in an email. “Obviously, the world needs to phase out fossil fuels as quickly as possible ((Leader Tries to Calm Uproar).”
I hope Al has security. The oil and gas people will soon lose patience with his keen observations.
COP28 will soon be followed up by the World Economic Forum’s annual meeting in Davos. We have nothing to worry about, folks; the best and brightest have it all under control.
A little sarcastic today?