I Just Applied to Be a Speech Writer for Trump

Here is my sample speech for the Republican-nominee-to-be

Photo by Tyler Callahan on Unsplash

I was watching Trump make a speech last night. Well, to be honest, I watched about one minute of it and then began to feel queasy. I switched it off and thought: I could write speeches for Trump. 

A fair amount of cash could be made (or at least enough to cover the cost of a nice lunch and bottle of wine) writing for the future nominee for the Republican Party. Just because I am writing his speeches does not mean I agree with him. After all, there is really nothing in his speeches to agree with. All he does is string together words and veer from idea to idea without ever really getting into the meat and potatoes of any of them. 

Well, there is one topic he speaks eloquently about — himself.

Let’s begin.

The Trump’s speech

Hey there, you look great…but not as great as me. Look at me. Look at the hair, perfect hair, perfect. I look amazing, really. Look at Biden. Horrible. Me, I feel great. I am strong. Powerful. Commanding. You make me this way. You love me. I love your love for me. 

Inflation. Come on, I mean, really? Didn’t exist. I was president…I should still be. Stolen from me — from you! Gas…$1.74…come on!

Electric cars. So expensive. When I was press president…Drill, drill, drill…they stole it from us. They know they did. Come on. So bad, so bad. The cheaters go after the cheated…So unfair. Wind. Causes cancer.

Russia. Putin — strong leader. Respected me. China. Fear me. So afraid of me when I was president. They stole it. China. Biden. Millions. Steal it. Unfairly accused.

Witch hunt, folks. Electric. No inflation. Gas…$.74. When I was president. The greatest economy in the history of humankind. Hunter made millions. Ukraine.

Lock her up! They want to lock me up. You up. They hate you. 

So corrupt. Electric cars. So expensive. The lightbulbs make you look sick. Orange. 

Hardest working president ever. God. Jesus. Love Him. He would have loved me!