It Wasn't My Main Gift, But It Makes a Wonderful Stocking Stuffer

I couldn't be happier that Rudolf Guiliani's Christmas will be ruined!

Courtesy of The Los Angeles Times

Rudy, a Yankee fan, which upsets me because I love the Yankees, can’t really be blamed for being a piece of s*** and a bully. His father “over in Brooklyn” was a bone-crushing money-collector for the mob. You almost want to feel sorry for little Rudy. 

Racing home from St. “Whatever” where he was undoubtedly an excellent student, Rudy would sit on the front porch clutching his report card to show his pops just what an intelligent son he had. After a long day beating up “dead beats” and emotional quickies in the afternoon with his “goomah” — mistress — Popshad little left in the tank for the attention-starved little boy. In a hat-tip to the future number one hit, “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin, little Rudy was waiting, and Pops would slip by with a “lay-da kid, talk to ya after noon.”

Poor Rudy, right? 

Join me, folks, in saying a very un-Christmas-y salute to little Rudy, the man with the melting face: Go f*** yourself! 

Although he is one of the country’s most recognizable political figures, the ex-mayor’s life is often summed up in two snapshots. The first is Giulia, caked with ash from the destruction of the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, shepherding his traumatized city through its darkest moment. The second is in a sweltering room at Republican National Committee headquarters, hair dye streaming down the sides of his face as he spins conspiracy theories about the election being stolen from Trump (The Tragedy and Farce of Rudy Giuliani).

Here’s something you might not have known about little Rudy.

U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Virginia John L. Brownlee begins investigating Purdue’s marketing practices. He appoints Assistant U.S. Attorneys Randy Ramseyer and Rick Mountcastle to lead the investigation against Purdue (A Timeline of the Real-Life Events).

With ground zero in Manhattan no longer needing New York’s ex-mayor to be the face of the clean-up, Rudy was in need of a job that fully appreciated the celebrity of his name. 

Purdue Pharma hires Rudy Giuliani, who just ended his career as mayor of New York City, gaining widespread popularity for guiding the city through the 9/11 attacks. Giuliani was hired “to help stem the controversy about OxyContin,” according to The New York Times (A Timeline of the Real-Life Events).

Having learned from his daddy that brute force and bullying could be profitable, Rudy Giuliani, post-9/11, decided to prove that the apple did not fall far from the tree. He sold his reputation to the highest bidder and used his reputation as “America’s mayor” to squeeze every cent out he could to ensure his wealth was ever-growing; when he became Trump’s personal lawyer, he was no longer able to sell himself to the highest bidder because few wanted him. He had become tawdry and corrupt. With Trump, he became somewhat of a sideshow and pawned his past for a shot at the precipice of power. If he could make Trump an authoritarian ruler in the mode of Il Duce, he could guarantee access to the fountain of eternal fame. 

Enter two of the kindest and most patriotic mother-and-daughter pairs you will be lucky to meet: Ruby Freeman and Wandrea “Shaye” Moss. By now, most people have heard of this grave injustice. Giuliani accused Freeman (the mom) and Moss (the daughter) with nothing but the mirage of conspiracy theories that they on election day added boxes of fraudulent Biden votes. Trump latched onto this and, from the pulpit of the White House, threatened them and cajoled his supporters to go after them. Freeman and Moss had to sell their homes and basically go into hiding because of the harassment of Giuliani and a sitting president.

For the last three years, the lives of these women have been turned upside down while little Rudy went from bounded from conspiracy to conspiracy as if he were playing hopscotch and using the lives of these two innocent women as his jacks. Rudy’s day in court came, and it was not a good one. He is now declaring Chapter 11. In the case brought by Freeman and Moss against Giuliani, the judge ruled that he would need to pay them $148 million in damages. However, Giuliani has more financial problems than Venezuela, and so Poppa Giuliani’s little boy, once the pride of his family and America after 9/11, opted for the financial insolvency tactic.

Bankruptcy will not prevent Mr. Giuliani from paying damages to Ms. Freeman and Ms. Moss because those damages are considered an “intentional tort,” lawyers said (Giuliani Files for Bankruptcy Protection).

As a human being, it pains me to boast and take joy in Giuliani’s sufferings at this time of year. When I think, however, how little regard this man, Trump, and so many on the right afforded these election-day volunteers, it makes me sick to my stomach. 

They did a job that few wanted to ensure that their neighbors’ votes could be counted safely with no malice. They did exactly what any other election worker would have done when told to go home and then when they were told to stay and finish counting the votes just a few minutes later. There was no chaos involved and no shenanigans. It was all above the board, and yet little Rudy came to town to threaten these poor “saps” to “admit their guilt” in trying to make Trump America’s first king.

Merry Christmas, Rudy, get used to the Spam and French fries. This may be your most “festive” meal in a long time, “mayor”.