Russia Happens in 3's

Blowing up the dam was just one of three 'disastrous accidents' that were planned to stop Ukraine's offensive

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I imagine Russian generals sitting around with a bottle of vodka, an assortment of “zakuski” (snacks) like slices of bread, some pork fat, pickles, and thick slices of sausage on a centrally-located plate, and a big map of Ukraine.

“We need to slow down their offensive somehow. Our guys are goddamn useless. So, if we can’t beat them on the battlefield, then let’s beat them by turning their country into a toxic dump, New Jersey Pineland style,” one general says, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his heavily-medalled uniform.

“Great idea. We can blow up a couple of dams (mission already completed, the Kakhovka and the Mokri Yali dams were blown up) and…”

“Maybe we can finally get that nuclear plant to start leaking some poison into the air. A clean-up would require a full cessation of their offensive and if they don’t stop, the world will be against Ukraine,” says another general pouring out a second shot. When drinking vodka, they say in Russian, “The rest between first and second shots should never be a long one.”

“Wow, great idea! And while we are at it, let’s blow up that ammonia pipeline, guys. What do you think? (swallowing the shot)…oy, oy, oy, these Khakhli (a derogatory term for Ukrainians) can really make samogon (moonshine)!”

The scene above, Kremlin propagandists will tell us never happened, but it did. Perhaps not exactly as I describe here, but knowing how Russians think and act, I can tell you that in an official work session, they would have done nothing other than sit around swapping stories of women they raped, things they stole and removed to Russia, and “Hey, look at this watch, $30,000…how you like that, huh?”

Because putting forth an idea during an official meeting means that your name will be recorded in an official “protocol” of that meeting, which assigns responsibility for the act to you, most Russians will sit stone-faced at meetings making incomprehensible grunting sounds when responding. It is later, though, when the bosses are knocking back the vodka that “collectively” they will come up with an idea. The ideas, trust me, are usually stupid ones and rarely work out the way it seems they will when suggested between shots.

“What a great idea, let’s drink to it!”

Late-evening phone calls

Having worked in Russia for nearly 30 years, I received hundreds of late-evening calls from superiors and colleagues. 70 percent of the time, I was able to dissuade the caller from pursuing the lunacy being suggested but 30 percent of the time, I wasn’t — it’s not possible to dissuade them 100 percent of the time.

When the “orders” are given in such an unofficial context, it frees the superior up from responsibility because he can claim that it was a collective decision; next, he can claim that they were all inebriated and so not fully prepared to make such a decision, which was a failing of the subordinate for not adequately preparing the boss; and, finally, because the putting the idea into action falls onto the shoulders of the subordinate, responsibility for its failure also falls on him.

“You hear me? Great idea, right?” The general shouts into his cell phone at a colonel. Fearing being screamed upbraided, the colonel who thinks the idea is lunacy, adamantly agrees even complimenting the general on “their collective” leadership.

“When can you get it down?” In the background, the colonel can hear other general officers yelling in drunken voices, “F*** that, don’t ask. Give him a “blyads” direct order…tomorrow by lunch, c*******er!” Shhhhh, the general on the phone says, “Ivanov is a good guy,” the general praises the colonel who now feels obligated to live up to the honor of being called a “good guy.”

“Well, sir, we can try to get it down by lunch tomorrow,” Ivanov says. 

Oh, and hey, listen, Ivanov. If anyone asks, this was your idea, okay? Generals shouldn’t be seen doing this stuff. This is your responsibility. You should have been calling me with this idea. By the way, why am I doing your work?”

“Sorry, Comrade General, I will do better. We will make you proud,” and just like that Ivanov now owns the whole sordid affair.

The general loves how the manipulation process has worked like a charm — again. “Ivanov, that might be too ambitious. If you finish it by tomorrow, say, 1800 (6 p.m.), you will be rewarded handsomely.”

And that, folks, is very likely how the Kakhovka dam was blown up. It wasn’t some well-thought-out plan coming from Moscow. Also, Everyone in Moscow is doing their best to avoid taking responsibility for anything, so they will remain silent. When good things happen, they take credit, but when the bad stuff occurs, it is pushed onto the frontline sucker.

Looking down at their map, which is now wet with moonshine and homemade mustard stains, the generals put a circle around the nuclear plant and the ammonia pipeline. Giggling like school children, they throw back the shots and: Oy, oy, oy…that’s so good, who should we call to blow up the pipeline?

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Russia planned explosions, causing environmental disasters, at three more objects apart from the Kakhovka Hydroelectric Power Plant and its dam, Dmytro Snyehyryov, Co-Chair of the Prava Sprava civic initiative and a military expert, said in an interview with Radio NV on June 10.

“The (explosion at the Kakhovka Hydroelectric Power Plant) was precisely an artificial ecological disaster prepared by the Russians,” Snyehyryov said.

“I would like to remind you that on the same night, a second artificial ecological disaster took place. It involved the shelling of an ammonia pipeline in the Kupyansk direction, Kharkiv Oblast. It could have potentially served as a counteroffensive point for the Armed Forces of Ukraine (Russians Planned Three More).”

While it is not certain if someone is being awarded medals for the above explosions or found guilty of “acting on their own initiative,” some generals are somewhere with bad hangovers trying to remember what they did —hoping it wasn’t that dam.