Trump Selling Bullet Proof Whiskey Glasses
And Melania emerges from her hole to hawk horrifically ugly $90 Christmas ornaments on Fox. Long live the QVC of America!
As a foreigner living in a new society and trying to learn a new language in my 50s — I will conquer Portuguese! — I know how hard it can be to work through the linguistic peaks and valleys. The new sounds tie the tongue up into knots that leave you staring silently and helplessly at the native speaker. Nonetheless, Melania has been in the U.S. for over 20 years. She was the First Lady and will be again — learn to speak so we can understand you!
The only thing she manages to say with any kind of native-like fluency is “This can be found on Melania.com.” “This” usually refers to the over-the-top, gaudy shit that Casinos used to give out on promotional nights back in the 1980s. My step-father got one of those Ceasar’s necklaces on a Wednesday night in early November of 1983, and being the proud Sicilian he was, he wore it each holiday. He was mocking his heritage and some Italians’ penchant for flashy, cheap stuff. I loved that Ceasar’s medallion, but would never drop $90 for it.
Melania Trump, the future First Lady, coughed the coal dust out of her lungs, maniacally blinked away the sun’s blinding effects, and appeared on “Fox and Friends” not to speak about her excitement for getting the opportunity to pick up her where she left off fighting against bullying in America — remember she paraphrased the U.S. Army’s slogan “Be All That You Can Be” and came up with “Be Best” — but to further drain the pockets of the rubes and MAGA cultists.
“Do we pay for the L-eck-tricity, or get one of those perty Melon’ya collectibles? Ya know it’s only gonna go up in value and that 90 bucks will be 105 before you know it.”
There she is, folks. She looks so happy to have another opportunity to create more cushioning for The Melania-Trump-post-Donald-Trump-Life-of-Luxury Fund. You know the Trump kids have teams of lawyers waiting to cut her out of all of the empire’s money the moment the heart of the Orange Grinchfinally stops beating.
Knock-knock.
“Wohas dare?”
“What?! Can you please repeat? I didn’t understand a damn thing?” Melania carries over the family parrot. “Say, parrot.”
“Er, who’s there?”
“It’s me, umm, Landshark, I mean, umm, Jared.”
Melania opens the door. It’s not Jared but a stern-looking man in a black suit. Handing Melania a white envelope, he says, clearing his throat to add timbre: “You’ve been served with a subpoena. Oh, and my condolences.”
“fah-uha?”
The man looks to the parrot for a translation. The parrot seems just as confused and seemingly shrugs its shoulders. Thinking on his feet, though, the good parrot says the phrase based on the context of the moment.
“Er, for what, doc?”
“Oh, it seems you haven’t heard? Your husband passed. Please start packing your things. You will be evicted tomorrow at noon.”
This is very likely how it will play out, folks. So, can we blame Melania, a woman who is used to selling everything she has to earn a respectable living (wink-wink)? No, we can’t. After all, she is living with a man who literally has price tags on the roles of toilet paper in his hotel rooms. Bottles of water go for $12 a piece because there is the name “Trump” on them.
If any of this sickens you, I recommend binging on QVC on YouTube. Spend a weekend watching some of the better QVC episodes from decades past. Eventually, you will catch onto the rhythm of the nonsense. You will begin to view lifeas if everything were for sale. When you find yourself turning things over to check the price on the bottom, you will know you are ready for the next four years of Trump.
God bless QVC, and God Bless the Trumps! (Just in case, this is sarcasm.)
When looking at these glasses, you may find yourself muttering, “If only…” Yes, can you imagine? “If only…”