Trump's Backyard BBQ Administration
A group of hacks, sycophants, quacks, and traitors sharing Jell-O shots and backyard awkwardness will soon escort our empire to its final resting place.
This gal here could easily be named the next border czar for America — or maybe the secretary of the interior. Do you know how I know she is qualified? She’s standing outside and on the grass. That tells me she can get out of a building or a house and seemingly enjoys the outdoors. She is, after all, barbecuing meat that there seems to be a good chance she will eat.
God love her. She has such an earnest, outdoorsy look. I feel confident that her tenure as the person overseeing the nation’s interior and public lands will be an especially profitable one.
Have you ever been invited to a barbecue where you would likely only know a few people present? This is what the Trump administration is turning into for most of us and them.
Slipping through the crowd, your face is plastered with modest and friendly smiles, but awkward ones are being returned. Most of the gathered guests know each other, and something that brings them closer is that most don’t know you. As Donald Trump pulls together his government, each day, the nation is introduced to another oddball citizen whose past behavior would have disqualified them from working at the “everyone wins a goldfish” attraction at the local carnival.
In the past week, Jared Kushner’s felon father was named ambassador to France, and just today, a major Trump donor was nominated to become the Secretary of the Navy. This is why it makes me think of a barbecue in a neighbor’s backyard. There are no qualifications for getting an invite other than knowing the owner of the house.
Striking up a random conversation with someone struggling to eat while standing, the two of you always circle back to the property owner.
“So, what how did you get an invite here?”
“Oh, my wife used to date Ed…then, after they broke up, they learned that his current wife and Ed’s ex, my current wife, were close friends from childhood. So, we just came back together. And she also gave birth to Ed’s kid but we kind of just pretend the kid is mine, little Ed— I mean — Joey.”
“And you?”
“Well, I saw Ed in the supermarket and commented on how I liked his hat. There was a mascot holding a stalk of asparagus instead of a baseball bat. It’s really cool, you know?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen that. I love Ed’s hat collection. He’s really great with those hats.”
“Who’s that doing Jell-O shots over there in the Speed-O?”
“Oh, I hear he will be nominated the Postmaster General tomorrow.”
“Great. That’s important. How does he know Ed?”
“Oh this is a great story. He used to deliver the mail to Ed’s office but used to dump a lot in the sewer to get home early. Well, some very important legal documents never made it to Ed, and as a result, a case against him was dropped. His lawyers proved he had never been warned, so the judge threw the whole thing out. Ed was so impressed by this guy’s ‘bad work’ that he hired him to head up the whole mail system. Ed figures the man is a lucky charm or something.”
“That is a great story. Thanks for sharing.”
As the barbecue ages and the guests become riper, the sense that something is off about the whole affair slowly becomes obvious to not just those present but even the uninvited neighbors. Two of the guests are later seen in varying degrees of undress and obviously having sex in the front bushes.
A call is made to the police.
“There are two people, naked and having sex in the bushes in front of the house across the street.”
A patrol car pulls up, and two policemen exit to investigate. Ed excuses himself to speak with the policemen. Before Ed can get to the front door, though, a guy he once saw screaming hysterically at a car full of teens cuts him off and confidently tells him, “Let me handle this, Ed.”
“Who’s that,” we ask.
“Oh, that’s the soon-to-be nominated attorney general. Ed saw him road-raging at a car full of teens who had cut him off coming out of a 7/l1 parking lot. It seems they were texting. Ed loved the guy’s dedication to law enforcement.”
“He was road raging at teens? Did he get in trouble?”
“Oh yeah, he was in jail for like a year after that. But, as Ed says, the system is fixed against us, so the punishment was a bunch of nonsense.”
The future new attorney general took down the badge numbers of the police officers and warned them to “just let this go. Do you know what I mean?” One of them didn’t, and he filed a report. He was fired and lost his pension. He now greets customers at Sam’s.
Folks, you never know when or where Ed might be next. If he sees you doing completely off-the-wall shit that breaks the laws in most American communities, you might find yourself on the Supreme Court or the head of a major federal agency. Good luck, keep your head down and do whatever the eff you want.
Now get over there and grab a Jell-O shot before the Postmaster General drinks them all!
Why not? There's no sense to anything American, anymore